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A/N: A BIRTHDAY fic for a friend. This fic made me realize that I was not meant to write crack (unless it’s real life) or porn. Lol, I tried hard! UNBETA’ed! Beware of tenses, they're all over the place.
It all started with Ikuta Toma.
Well, not really. It actually all started with Jin but we’ll get to that. So anyway, Toma was busy staring at Yamapi’s fluffy pink sweater one fine monday morning. He thinks that life is so not fair and that he needed more sleep because for some strange reason, he finds himself staring at the circle-shaped design near Pi’s chest and thinks that they look tasty. In fact, they look exactly like the meat buns his grandmother used to bake. And so of course, he just had to tell someone that fact.
That someone turned out to be none other than his cafeteria seatmate and loyal friend Akanishi Jin. Now, as everyone probably already know, the Bakanishi is a lot more stupid than his fan girls would like to admit. And so, when Toma told him that the design in Pi’s sweater looked a lot like the meat buns his grandma used to make, Jin’s instant reaction was to do a very complicated hip-roll that had the 7836 gay managers of JE looking at him like he was God’s gift to women, (Which he IS.) and that he should be given an new solo with English lyrics like “sweet” and “secretions” for the greater good of the company.
Johnny Kitagawa just thinks that maybe it was time for another nightly visit.
Then of course, Jin’s brain (or brains. I can’t really tell.) finally processed that his friend had said something very important and he just had to answer.
Now, Toma, had of course, already forgotten that little incident and was moving on with his own life by trying out a few of Aiba’s feather boa collection while the whole of ARASHI debate whether or not they should wear color-coded underwear for their 11th anniversary party. But unfortunately for him, (Toma) Jin had a very good memory (although others might term it "slow understanding.”) and remembered what his very good friend told him.
“Did you know that Pi’s moobs are actually meat buns?” Jin told the first person he saw the moment he remembered what he thought Toma said. That first person happened to be a very good band mate of Yamapi’s and was currently very hungry.
“Meat buns?” Massu’s eyes glazed. He didn’t realize that his leader liked to keep his food in his chest. He thought that maybe that was where Pi hides his secret stash to keep them warm and so that is why they (the NEWS members) never see him eat anything other than that disgusting protein jelly. Massu decided that maybe it was time for an investigation. Besides, it was almost time for lunch.
“Eh? Leader’s chest is full of meat buns?” Tegoshi exclaimed. Massu nodded. Tegoshi tilted his head. He doesn’t really care but he remembered touching them before and come to think of it, Yamashita-san’s moobs are indeed soft and warm. “Sou ka.” He told Massu who he noticed, was now eyeing their leader’s chest with a very hungry look in his eyes. Tegoshi hoped that his singing partner wouldn’t bite their leaders’ chest suddenly. YamaPi cannot afford to be hospitalized because he still needs to do Tegoshi’s make-up for their concert tonight. He spotted Nagase-san and decided that it was time to be Godly. He needed a back-up just in case.
Koichi knew his friend wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in JE but neither was he the dimmest. No one else but Domoto Koichi would know that the honor belongs to the sluttiest KATTUN member who is not Kame. Or Koki. Or Junno. Or Ueda. Or that guy with the big nose.
“What do you mean Yamashita-san’s chest is fat? They’re called pecs.”
The Kinki kid sighed. His creepy partner will have a field day with this one. Heck, he might even change his hairstyle again. Which, now that Koichi had thought about it, would serve him well. Because seriously, what’s up with the perm?
“Did you know that your precious YamaPi has BOOBS?” Tsubasa told his best friend who was busy…. doing something he usually does when they’re not doing anything else.
Now, Tackey, who considers himself as a father to his favorite kohai, immediately cornered the now supposedly boobied (there is no such word, just so we’re all clear on this.) Yamapi inside the NEWS dressing room and demanded that he be shown the “goodies” as it was his job as a responsible surrogate father to name them. He had already decided that right was Tackey, left was Tsubasa. Or Jinnifer and Shigeako. Whichever fits better.
Needless to say, Yamapi dragged a confused Toma from doing MatsuJun’s dirty laundry into the JE elite lounge and threw him on the king sized bed owned by Chinen, (Because Ohno sleeps there sometimes) and started stripping. Toma stared and thought that he might as well wash that sweater too. And the shirt. And the moobs…
Which, he later found out, tastes a whole lot better than the meat buns his grandmother used to bake.
And with that, our story ends.
“Did you guys know that Yamapi had breast implants?” Yoko gleefully informed his band mates.
They ignored him.
So what?
Yasu still wears a skirt.
